October 9, 2015
Today's Wake-up visitor is Earnest.
E: I'm here. I killed my wife and children.
M: Why did you do that?
E: I tried to live and I failed. So I killed them so... (scribble)
E: I didn't want to TROUBLE them. I thought if they died with me it would be better than to try to live without their father.
M: Did you kill yourself?
E: I did. Yes. I was so sad and frightened. I was afraid of all the awful things that could happen to me and my kids. We needed to escape.
M: And now you're in the Gray Space?
E: I'm in Empty space. Like a box of nothing. I thought I would be in hell.
M: You killed yourself even though you thought you would go to hell?
E: Yes I did. I didn't think I could suffer more than I was already suffering.
M: Why were you suffering? You had a nice life. You weren't in pain, were you?
E: Being afraid is a form of suffering. I thought if I just went ahead and experienced the worst, I wouldn't have anything else to fear.
M: I'll get Ben.
B: Hi Earnest. I'm Ben.
E: I'm a murderer.
B: You were. You're just energy now.
E: I failed my family and I was afraid to leave them. I didn't want them to suffer.
B: Misguided but noble.
E: I wanted to stop being afraid. It was horrible to live in fear all the time.
B: Something went wrong with your brain. You're supposed to be able to feel fear so you can run from predators and stuff. But it was like your fear switch got stuck in the "on" position. It must have been terrible for you.
E: It was. I was in agony all the time. It got worse as I got older. I was making my children afraid too. I didn't want them to be like me.
B: Want to go to the TSP and start over?
E: I started to say I'm afraid. But Im really not. I feel a tremendous sense of relief since I have been in this grey space. But...
E: I have to be punished, don't I? Is there a hell? People who commit suicide go there. And so do murderers. I've heard.
B: You heard a lot of wrong things. When you get to the TSP you'll be repaired. It will be sort of like that scene in the Wizard of Oz.
E: In the Emerald City? Where everyone gets #repaired and beautified?
B: Yes. It's a little like that.
E: Will I get new straw in my head?
B: You'll get what you need. Just like the Scarecrow and Dorothy and the Tin Man and the Lion each got the right treatment depending on what he or she was made of and how they were damaged.
E: Why did it happen? Was I born that way on purpose? Surely I didn't choose to be born with my fear switch stuck. Was it a mistake? I thought God didn't make mistakes, but if anyone was a mistake, I was.
B: Earnest, we choose to be born into a great adventure knowing that things can go wrong. We are born into bodies that can fail us in a million different ways. Once in a while someone chooses a life with a handicapping condition either to provide themselves with a greater challenge or a different range of experiences or to give other people an opportunity to learn something unusual. And sometimes something happens because it's one of the nearly infinite number of things that can go wrong and sometimes do.
E: I would have liked being alive if I hadn't been afraid all the time. Looking back I see so many beautiful moments with my kids that I would have enjoyed so much if I hadn't been afraid of everything that could go wrong and everything bad that might happen.
B: How about looking ahead and starting over?
E: I don't want to go through all that again.
B: You can start with a new body and a new brain.
E: Can I have my wife and kids again?
B: They're on your soul team. They'll help you plan your next life.
E: I don't want to be afraid.
B: You can put that in the plan.
E: I want to wake up every day feel that there is nothing I can't handle. I want to feel that life is a glorious adventure and that I'm so brave I can protect people who aren't as sufficient as I am. I want to know I can rescue people and animals if they are in danger and I can help them and not fear for myself. But not be stupid. I will be brave because I will know that I can do whatever is called for.
B: Drowning children, burning buildings, muggers? Terrorists?
E: It will be WHATEVER. I'll be able to handle it because I'll be the Man who Can.
B: Let's move on, shall we?
E: I'm ready.
B: See the light?
E: I see it.
B: That's where you're going. I'll walk with you.
E: Great. While we're walking I'll tell you how brave I'm going to be. I want to get my mane permed.
B: Like the Lion?
E: Yes. I want to look fabulous while I'm being brave.